I’ve already lost some readers because of my title!  So much has already been written surrounding the idea of slow, intentional living.  While I love this message, it’s not what I’ve been thinking about.  I’ve been thinking a lot about slowing down our interactions.

This idea was introduced to me during my marriage and family therapy coursework.  When we slow down our interactions, we’re able to focus more on how we’re speaking to each other, and not just what we’re speaking.  In emotionally charged situations, we may tend to speak quickly and listen less, which frequently leads to more hurt and misunderstanding. The cycle of hurt, misunderstanding, and aggression continues.

I’ve been exploring this in my own life. I interrupt more than I wish. I sometimes stop fully listening to what someone is saying because I have already formulated my reply. I’ve heard their perspective before (from someone else! Ha!), so I can already start planning my rebuttal. There are only two sides to every issue, correct?

Why do I speak quickly, respond immediately? Perhaps it has to do with fear. I am afraid I will forget my super awesome point that will win the debate. If I don’t speak right away it will be gone and then I will lose. This often happens in large groups where there are limited opportunities to speak. I have to speak now, or I will not get a chance! I have a scarcity mindset.

I may respond quickly because I lack empathy.  I care more about being heard than about hearing them. Or, I may respond quickly because I am objectifying the other. They are simply a talking idea, and my job is to make them hear my idea. I am not treating them as another human, with unique perspectives and experiences, created in the Divine image, just as I am. Barbara Brown Taylor writes that “at least one of the purposes of church is to remind us that God has other children, easily as precious as we.” Have I remembered that this person speaking is as precious in the eyes of God as I am?

How have I been working at this? Well, as with anything involving change, some days are better than others. I do not always slow down my interactions with my children. I focus on my wants and needs. I want them to clean up their room right now. I need them to obey immediately because that makes my life easier.

But, when I do slow down, squat to their level, look them in the eye instead of focusing on my dishes, our days go much better. Their room still gets cleaned, but instead of barked commands and tearful compliance, we walk in shared listening. They are more open to listening to me after I have listened to them.

I can slow down with my responses on social media. Instead of immediately responding to something, I can jot my thoughts down somewhere else, putting thought into what I’m saying before typing my reply.

Real time interactions are harder. Talking when two people are on the defensive is hard. Slowing down might mean preparing for the conversation ahead of time – thinking, reflecting and praying, or jotting down some talking points. Slowing down might mean tabling the conversation until another time to give everyone a chance to calm down and think. This is not conflict avoidance – it’s being wise. We can circle back.

Slowing down might mean starting with one person sharing their heart and mind, and then a time of silence to reflect on what has been said before passing the mic. By slowing down, we can maintain a healthy process even while engaging in difficult content.

Today, slowing down meant Josiah asking me why I had shut down during our budgeting session. Slowing down meant taking the time to dig deep into what I was annoyed by and talk through the dynamics instead of just moving on to the next thing. This was hard for me as a conflict-avoider, but in the end helped us make wiser decisions for our family.

Lord, help us slow down with each other. May we see how precious we all are in your sight.