How can we disagree well?

Yes, you read that correctly. Conflict is inevitable. We know that. Sometimes we internalize, name-call, or vent to those outside the conflict. It is easier to engage in unhealthy conflict than to engage in healthy conflict.

But how do we disagree well?

I recently read an excellent book that I would highly recommend: C. Christopher Smith’s How the Body of Christ Talks. While the book covers more than just disagreements, Smith does have a section addressing conflict. Here’s my biggest take-away from that chapter:

              “In many cases, fractures in our church bodies will be healed as conflict is patiently transformed, through conversation, into virtuous disagreement. In his book Disagreeing Virtuously, Olli-Pekka Vainio names three specific virtues that keep communities in conversation even when they disagree: open-mindedness, humility, and courage.” –p. 150

In order to have healthy conversations, I need these virtues. I’ve seen how a deficit in these areas harms conversations, which harms relationships, which in turn affects families and churches, which in turn affects society.

How do I gain these virtues of open-mindedness, humility, and courage? Yes, I can ask God for grace and growth in these areas, and that’s probably a good idea. I believe the development of these virtues comes through practice, however. I would argue this happens by carefully having difficult conversations. Virtues develop through experiencing hard things, and virtues help us as we experience hard things. Conflict can help us grow.

As I listen thoughtfully to someone with a different viewpoint, I empathize with their experience, leading me to be more open-minded in the future. As I speak one thing courageously, I grow in my ability to speak courageously in future conversations.

The more I engage in virtue-less conflict, however, the less virtuous I will become. The more I cower in fear, or speak with pride, the more I seem to develop a habitual stance of fear or pride in my conversations. Heart postures become heart patterns.

Healthy conflict involves breaking unhealthy patterns, habits, and postures. I feel like I am relearning much of how I listen, and how I speak. Perhaps after a conversation, I should reflect on the virtues present (or absent) in the interaction. Was I speaking with humility and courage? Was I listening with an open mind?

Dealing with conflict can be overwhelming. Thankfully, Christ offers daily grace and strength.